Chasya's Slush Week entry

by Chasya

(For details on Slush Week, see Chasya's introduction.)

We'll start with the query on its own, then the response after the jump:


Dear (Agent’s name):

When Elisabeth Starr was five years old, there was a day that changed everything, an irreversible moment that tore apart her family and sent her life and her sister’s life in two very different directions. For twenty years she has held on to the secret of what truly happened.

Now, returning to her childhood home in Western Massachusetts, Elisabeth learns that her mother plans to send her developmentally disabled sister, Kate, to an adult home. Determined not to let this happen, Elisabeth decides to take responsibility for Kate’s future and, together, they embark on a spontaneous road trip across the country. As she struggles with the dark secret about her role in Kate’s disability, Elisabeth discovers that it’s not Kate’s future that needs saving, but her own.

Spared is a 76,000 word work of Women’s Fiction about finding the right way just before it is lost forever. This is my first novel.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission. I look forward to hearing from you.


(Author's name)



Dear (Agent’s name):


When Elisabeth Starr was five years old, there was a day that changed everything, an irreversible moment that tore apart her family and sent her life and her sister’s life in two very different directions. For twenty years she has held on to the secret of what truly happened.

This opening feels kind of awkward to me, particularly “there was a day that changed everything.” There’s a bit too much happening in the first sentence. The element of mystery that you’re trying to convey here could be more dramatic if the opening were a bit shorter and structured differently. For instance: Elisabeth Starr was only five years old on the day her life changed forever. In an instant, everything she knew would be torn apart, etc.…

Now, returning to her childhood home in Western Massachusetts, Elisabeth learns that her mother plans to send her developmentally disabled sister, Kate, to an adult home.

This is not the first mention of her sister but the first mention of her condition. That threw me for a bit of a loop and I had to go back and reread this sentence. I’m also assuming this is the same sister, but is there a way to better clarify? Also, why is Elisabeth returning home? We don’t really know anything about her at this point and little more information might sell me on her character.

Determined not to let this happen, Elisabeth decides to take responsibility for Kate’s future and, together, they embark on a spontaneous road trip across the country.

Again, I feel as though this adventure could be conveyed in a more exciting way. The action she takes here is a pretty dynamic one, and the sentences should reflect that for the maximum effect. This feels a bit flatter than a description that could grab my attention.

As she struggles with the dark secret about her role in Kate’s disability, Elisabeth discovers that it’s not Kate’s future that needs saving, but her own.
 
I’m not sure that the trauma that Elisabeth has experienced should be held off until the end of the query. This is one of the more interesting elements, but it’s buried.

Spared is a 76,000 word work of Women’s Fiction about finding the right way just before it is lost forever.

Good to mention the word count. Be careful about capitalization; genres should be lowercase. I’m not entirely sure the tag line accurately sums up the rest of the query for me. What does “the right way” mean? We don’t really have enough information to put that into context. Perhaps something more descriptive would serve the query better here.

This is my first novel.

Good, we like to know as much info as we can about your publishing history.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission. I look forward to hearing from you. 

(Author's name)

Thanks for being such a good sport and partaking in slush week!