Michael's Slush Week entry

by Michael

(For details on Slush Week, see Chasya's introduction.)

We'll start with the query on its own, then the response after the jump:

Dear (Agent's name):

An imprisoned poet. A mysterious orb. And one mega-dose of snotty older sister, named Athena.

Twelve-year-old Jared Ahern’s got all three on his plate. (And that’s not counting the orb’s vicious inventor, trapped in a time sump.) Jared desperately wants to pry himself out from under Athena’s shadow and get some adulation of his own. When the orb, with its power for time travel and shape-shifting, summons him and Athena to rescue Shakespeare from the Tower of London, Jared leaps at the chance to show his mettle. 

Jared’s quick-thinking springs Shakespeare from his cell. But things go awry when Shakespeare returns with Jared to Oregon, leaving Athena stranded in the sixteenth century in the guise of Good Queen Bess. Worse yet, Jared’s sixth-grade enemy steals the orb. Now Jared must use both his skateboard and his love of “Star Wars” to retrieve the orb and rescue Athena, before she becomes the Queen of England. Permanently.

Shakespeare on the Lam is a middle-grade adventure, complete at 28,000 words.
I follow the blog on your agency's website and see that you are looking for adventure middle-grade for boys, so I believe it might be a good fit for your list. I am enclosing a sample chapter, as stated in your submission guidelines. I’m also querying other agents.

I am a member of SCBWI and Willamette Writers. My short story, “Carlito’s Question,” won 3rd prize in the 2009 Kay Snow Awards competition, sponsored by Willamette Writers. Shakespeare on the Lam is my first novel.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
(Author's name)




Dear (Agent's name):


An imprisoned poet. A mysterious orb. And one mega-dose of snotty older sister, named Athena.

One of the issues I see most often with queries is when they try to be flap copy. This pitch is a little too cute for my tastes. I’d combine the above with the first sentence of the next paragraph, which will get us to the point sooner.

Twelve-year-old Jared Ahern’s got all three on his plate. (And that’s not counting the orb’s vicious inventor, trapped in a time sump.) (I get worried when I see parentheticals in query letters. With how little room you have in a one-page query, the information is either important or not. If it’s important, take it out of the parentheses, if it’s not, delete it entirely.) Jared desperately wants to pry himself out from under Athena’s shadow and get some adulation of his own. (After hearing that Athena was a snotty older sister, I was surprised to hear that she’s so well-liked.) When the orb, with its power for time travel and shape-shifting, summons him and Athena to rescue Shakespeare from the Tower of London, Jared leaps at the chance to show his mettle. 

Now I’m confused. Where did this orb come from? How did it get in his possession? I think I need some more information chronologically to follow what’s going on.

Jared’s quick-thinking springs Shakespeare from his cell. But things go awry when Shakespeare returns with Jared to Oregon, leaving Athena stranded in the sixteenth century in the guise of Good Queen Bess. Worse yet, Jared’s sixth-grade enemy steals the orb. Now Jared must use both his skateboard and his love of “Star Wars” to retrieve the orb and rescue Athena, before she becomes the Queen of England. Permanently.

Again, I think this is a bit too cute. I’d rather a more straightforward description of the book. The sell is just too hard for my taste.

Shakespeare on the Lam is a middle-grade adventure, complete at 28,000 words.

I follow the blog on your agency's website and see that you are looking for adventure middle-grade for boys, so I believe it might be a good fit for your list. (This is good! I like when people reference things I’ve said. And this is true. And, maybe the query should have led with this information. I’d be more inclined to take a look if I knew off the bat that the author had done his homework.) I am enclosing a sample chapter, as stated in your submission guidelines. I’m also querying other agents.

I am a member of SCBWI and Willamette Writers. My short story, “Carlito’s Question,” won 3rd prize in the 2009 Kay Snow Awards competition, sponsored by Willamette Writers. Shakespeare on the Lam is my first novel.

We like to see what your affiliations are, and I know that both groups attract high-quality writers, but I think the small competition and 3rd place finish mean you should leave out that information. Let me know if you’ve won, or if you’ve received a mention in a big competition.

Thank you for your time.


Sincerely,
(Author's name)


Thanks very much for taking part in Slush Week!